when affinity spaces aren’t enough
Why Cross-Identity Spaces Matter in Liberation Work
Because liberation work doesn’t only happen in sameness
Affinity spaces matter. They can offer room for honesty, reflection, accountability, and community within shared experience. They can reduce the burden of explanation, create space for people to process the impact of systems like racism or colonialism, and allow for conversations that may not feel possible in cross-identity spaces.
But affinity spaces are not the only places where liberation work happens. And sometimes, they are not the right space at all.
There are moments when the work requires something different from us — not shared identity, but the ability to remain in relationship across difference.
When the Work Is Cross-Identity
Affinity spaces are not always the appropriate container when the goal is:
cross-identity dialogue
relational accountability
practicing how we show up across difference
Because we do not actually live in affinity spaces.
We live in a world where our privileged and marginalized identities intersect constantly. We move through relationships shaped by race, class, gender, disability, sexuality, nationality, language, religion, and countless other lived experiences that position us differently depending on the context.
Liberation work, then, cannot only happen in spaces where people share identities or experiences. It also requires us to learn how to stay present in the complexity of those intersections.
Cross-Identity Spaces Are Where We Stretch
Cross-identity spaces ask something different of us than affinity spaces do.
They ask us to notice defensiveness or insecurity in real time. They ask us to stay with discomfort instead of immediately exiting it, and to remember that discomfort is not necessarily the same thing as lack of safety. They ask us to recognize when we default to silence, urgency, control, intellectualization, or self-protection.
These spaces also ask us to practice discernment — learning when to speak and when to listen, when to offer repair and when to step back, and how to tolerate the uncertainty of not always getting it right.
This is where we learn how to:
have difficult conversations
receive feedback without collapsing into shame
remain in relationship even when tension, rupture, or misunderstanding are present
deepen our understanding of power not only intellectually, but relationally and in real time
These spaces are not always comfortable. In fact, they often aren’t.
But they can be transformative precisely because they stretch our capacity to remain connected while navigating difference.
Affinity Spaces Don’t Replace Relationship
Ironically, if we only remain in affinity spaces, we risk avoiding the very places where change is needed most.
Because liberation is not only about understanding power, naming systems, or building internal awareness. It is also about how we relate to one another across difference.
It is about whether we can remain accountable in relationships that are imperfect. Whether we can tolerate complexity without immediately retreating into defensiveness or certainty. Whether we can learn to engage each other with more honesty, nuance, and care.
Affinity spaces support that work. But they do not replace it.
We Are All Intersectional — Whether We Like It or Not
No one is only one identity. We are all moving through multiple positions of power and marginalization at the same time — relative to the people around us.
So going out into the world — into real relationships and real communities — means acknowledging our growing edges without expecting marginalized people to provide unlimited emotional labor. It means recognizing our capacity for harm while also learning when we need to communicate, pause, repair, or step away after experiencing harm ourselves.
It also means staying present through rupture while remaining attentive to our own nervous systems and capacity. Sometimes repair is possible immediately. Sometimes it is not. Sometimes someone offers repair and we are not ready to receive it yet.
That complexity is part of relational work too.
You Will Get It Wrong
Let’s name something clearly:
You will get it wrong.
You may say the wrong thing, miss important context, or unintentionally cause harm. That is part of being in relationship with other human beings.
Liberation work does not exempt us from this. If anything, it asks us to become more aware of the impact we have on others — not because perfection is possible, but because accountability matters.
And Repair Is Not Guaranteed
Repair is part of the work, but it is not always accepted.
Not everyone will want to engage with your attempt at repair. Not everyone will trust it. Not every relationship will continue after rupture.
That does not mean you stop trying to grow.
It means you keep learning how to approach relationships with more honesty, humility, and responsibility.
Don’t Get Stuck in Shame
One of the biggest barriers to liberatory work is not making mistakes. It is getting stuck in shame after we do.
Shame can look like withdrawal, defensiveness, over-explaining, self-centering, or making the conversation about our intentions instead of our impact.
And none of that actually helps the people we are trying to be in relationship with.
If our response to causing harm is to collapse entirely, we often end up redirecting attention away from the rupture itself and back toward our own discomfort.
Do Something — Then Do It Better
Liberation work is not about perfection. It is about trying, reflecting, adjusting, repairing when possible, and trying again with greater awareness.
Because doing nothing in order to avoid getting it wrong does not reduce harm.
It often maintains it.
The goal is not to become someone who never makes mistakes. The goal is to become someone more capable of accountability, reflection, and relational integrity over time.
Start Here
This is part of why I created Start Here — a cross-identity workshop on decolonizing your practice. It is a learning space for therapists who want to engage liberatory work in practice, not just in theory. Inside the program, participants are guided through my 4-step framework for beginning to decolonize therapeutic practice: understanding power and colonial conditioning, developing awareness around identity and relational dynamics, practicing reflection and accountability, and learning how to move from insight into aligned action.